DaBabs

The Reality Sets In

This is about the time I start getting forgetful.

I go to call mom out of habit and then realize what happened.

I save her last answering machine message not really believing she's gone. Thinking this is all some sort of movie or something and I can talk to her later about how silly it was that I kept her message.

I get mad at myself for all the little things I should have done or said. I get mad that my mom won't get to see Rachel grow up. That to Rachel, Grandma is probably always going to be in Heaven.

I wonder what I'll do when Rachel turns 13 and starts challenging me on something and I won't have my mom to call and say - what did you do about me?

No one is around to remember my stories. If I wonder about that trip to South Dakota we took- just me, mom and dad, no one will know what I'm talking about.

The only good solace I have is that I actually had a conversation with my mom over Easter about whether or not I was a good enough daughter.

Sometimes I feel like I failed her. I wasn't as patient as I should have been or called her enough. I chose to live far away and that must have hurt her - although I never intended to do that. I just wanted to experience the world outside of Nebraska.

She laughed and said "Don't be silly! You were a great daughter!"

That's the only thing I can think about when I start getting mad at myself for not spending more time with her in the hospital. For not outright quitting my job and moving back.

I sometimes thought I'd do something dramatic if one of my parents died.

I didn't.

I wonder if I'm supposed to? What is life about anyway?

posted by DaBabs @ 7:56 PM